


The J-word

by sofie_sticated



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Anxiety, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, i wish i had a peridot to help me through these kinds of struggles, implied reference of PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 07:53:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9984014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sofie_sticated/pseuds/sofie_sticated
Summary: Lapis is having a rough night with the memories of her time with Jasper. Peridot is there to help.





	

Lapis’ eyes were wide in the dark room as cold sweat covered her body. It was as if her breath was stuck in her throat, struggling to get out but couldn’t. Steven had recommended “sleeping” for her if she ever got bored, and although he did mention that “dreams” were a thing, she hadn’t imagined them to be so… scary. It had all seemed so real. It was as if she was still in the water, fighting, fighting, fighting and fighting.

_Jasper_ … The name felt like needles in her mind, pinning her down, forcing her to look at that face. _Her_ face. She never wanted to have anything to do with her again.

God, she felt pathetic. Warm tears strolled down her face, colliding by her chin. The breath previously caught in her throat now felt as if was gone, and she struggled to find more, but nothing was there. Vulnerability crept over her as a cold wave of panic came for her, attacking her when she needed it the least. 

Sitting up on her mattress, she covered her mouth with hand. Did gems even need oxygen? Whatever so, she felt she was _dying_. She couldn’t let go of that feeling of being dragged down, being bound to the ocean. She felt more pathetic, like, what Lapis Lazuli was afraid of water? She was made to work with water. She was useless! She knew that. The daily reminders of her weakness and uselessness had often been slung into her face when she was the most exhausted. By _Jasper_ , of course. She knew it was a tactic to weaken her, but Jasper wasn’t wrong. At least, she had made her believe. 

“No, no, no, no, no…!” Lapis silently chanted, covering her ears as Jaspers’ roars went through her head. Her wrists itched from the feeling of the chains she had worn. Why did everything have to fall down like this? Wasn’t she strong? Did gems even have that many emotions? Was she broken? Corrupted?

The ladder to her side of the barn clinked against the hard wooden floor, and she alerted terrified. Steven never mentioned anything about “dreams” coming to life. Out of nothing, she summoned a small amount of water, ready to attack whoever was crawling up that ladder. Even though she looked as alert as she did, tears were still streaming from her eyes.

Suddenly, a green head popped up over the ladder, big eyes resting on her. Lapis screeched, floppily throwing the water at the gem, which turned out to be her roommate. 

Peridot yelled out as she now was covered in water. She was about to yell about what the heck that joke meant, but then she noticed. Tears covered Lapis’ face and her chest was rising and lowering in a way too fast tempo.

“Lapis, are you okay?!” Peridot screeched, fumbling to Lapis’ aid, however, as she got closer, Lapis looked even more ruined.

“N-Nothing! Look away! I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine!” yelled Lapis, yanking her arms away, as if they still were in chains. 

Peridot looked confused at Lapis. Through her course on earth she had learned a lot. Laughter meant happiness - which was good. Crying usually meant sadness - which was bad. Shallow breaths and crying was a new thing to her, but the way Lapis looked, it couldn’t be a good thing.

“L-Lapis, you don’t look okay!” she insisted, walking closer to the blue gem, who was frantically trying to move away. Lapis’ one hand was placed on the mattress, supporting her weight as she tried to sit up straight. The other one was plastered across her mouth, trying to muffle her quiet sobs. “Lapis please, let me help you!”

Lapis quickly turned her head towards Peridot. She removed her hand from her mouth, revealing her quivering lips. Tears were falling down from her eyes like raindrops, hitting the mattress. “I can’t! It’s too much!” 

“Please, I-“ Peridot looked away, sighing. “L-look. I won’t pressure you into talking, but Lapis, we’re barn mates. And I don’t like to see you so upset, because I, you know, don’t like to see people I care about feeling bad. You can tell me about it.”

Lapis went silent for a moment, not breaking her gaze from Peridot. As she was considering what to do, the image of Jasper jumped into her mind, and she flinched. Maybe… it was better getting it out of her system?

Her gaze flickered to her hands, which were shaking in her lap. “I had a ‘dream’ about… _her_.” 

“Who? Jasper?” Peridot responded mindlessly.

“Don’t say that!” Lapis exclaimed loudly, slamming the mattress. Tears were building up in her eyes and quiet sobs escaped her mouth. “Don’t s-say… the j-word.”

Suddenly it all clicked in Peridot’s head. The countless of months Lapis had been trying to protect everyone by sacrificing her own happiness had really taken a toll on her. Shying away from touch, the random episodes of meltdowns, the newly discovered the nightmares, and not being able to say Jasper’s name was breaking her down. The fear of letting everyone down by setting Jasper free had utterly destroyed her mentally. Peridot felt ashamed to have ever worked together with such a _monster_ like Jasper.

Lapis had resorted to holding her head in her hands, her arms being supported by her knees. Her sobs had quieted down, however, she was still shaking and her breathing was shallow.

“I’m… so sorry, Lapis,” was all Peridot managed to utter. What could she say? How could you change such a situation? If Steven were here, he surely would have had a solution. Like playing a song on his ‘musical’ device, or saying something inspirational about never giving up.

“Don’t be… you didn’t know that can’t say…” Lapis muttered, not facing her. “…the name.”

“No, that was not what I meant,” Peridot shook her head, catching the attention of the blue gem. “I’m sorry for that, too, but… I’m so sorry that you had to spend so long feeling… miserable! And how stupid was it of me to not be able to recognize how much it hurt you in the first place. A pool of water as a gift? How… insensitive!” Lapis looked dumbfounded at her, not being able to find any words.

“Listen, I need you to know that…” her green face gained a pink hue as she gazed away slightly. “I want to help you through this as much as I can. I’m still learning new things about this planet and how to live here and behave. And… I want you to feel at home here too, and be _happy_ again. What I’m trying to say here is that, Lapis, you have me.”

Lapis’s breathing was almost back to normal, and her shaking was slowly wearing away. She hugged her knees again and looked down. “Thank you… Peri.” The nickname was new, but she wanted to show her gratitude, even though she wasn’t really the gem to do so.

Peridot nodded sharply, rubbing the back of her head. “No prob, Bob,” she tried lifting the mood. She remembered Steven telling the story of how Lapis didn’t understand the meaning of that expression. Truly, she herself was trying to understand that, but she was slowly getting it.

Snorting, Lapis let out a quick and airy laugh, looking back at Peridot.

Peridot smiled, feeling proud of herself for at least making her laugh. “So… is there anything I can do for you right now?”

“I guess just… sitting?” Lapis tried, offering a seat beside her on the mattress. “I don’t really know anything to do around here.”

Peridot thought for a second before she came up with a _brilliant_ idea. She gestured to Lapis that she would be back in a second, where after a few minutes of ruffling from the other side of the barn, she came back, _carrying_ the T.V that was way to heavy and big for her.

“T-this is what always makes me feel better when I’m feeling ‘blue’,” Peridot explained, panting as she somehow managed to get the gigantic, square T.V up the ladder.

Lapis raised her brow as Peridot sat down besides her, the T.V across from them. “The gigantic glass box you are always looking at?”

“Even better!” Peridot beamed, looking excitedly at Lapis. “Have you ever heard of something called ‘Camp Pining Hearts’?”

And so the night went on, the two of them watching countless of episodes of Camp Clod, discussing the ‘subtext’ of the pairs. At first, it was a weird concept for Lapis to understand. Usually, screens like that were used for communication and not entertainment. Soon after, she was almost as intrigued by the show as Peridot. Almost. And as the sun was rising in the horizon, the two gems were slowly dozing off, lying closely together, the T.V still flickering in front of them.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this! 
> 
> Leave a review if you want to, it really makes my day! c:


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